If a moment is all we are

[renewedwill]

[a couple of months had passed by since that eventful pocky day happened. and, well. jean would like to say that a lot has happened? but in all actuality, it's nothing monumental. how he feels about it, at least. he still hasn't told his mom (though, if we're being completely honest a small part of him feels like she already knows what's up by now.) he hasn't told any of his friends, and he still feels kind of awkward and weird every time the bodt's pass by their son's door when he's over.

despite all this though? none of this has changed how he feels about marco. in fact it's kind of strengthened the feelings he has for the other? and, now that we're being honest here, he was actually able to realize that he has been harboring feelings for marco for a long time. he's not sure how long, but they've been there since probably around high school.

which-- is what makes all of this frustrating. he had been hoping he would be able to progress a lot faster so that he could do things with the other. as much as marco likes to let on that he can read jean like a book, he... can do the exact same with marco. and despite how many times marco insists that he's not bothered by being unable to show public displays of affection, and things of the like? he can see that it does bother the other to some extent.

it's not like jean is uncomfortable with the idea of telling people that, "hey, i like my best friend from childhood a lot and i like kissing him" and all that shit?? because he's not ashamed of doing that. he's just.... afraid of the attention it will garner, and he doesn't want to deal with that just yet. he's.... well, he's kind of made a reputation of being one of those heterosexual guys at school, and he knows the moment he comes out as bisexual, people will continuously rib on him. and more than likely tell marco that he deserves way better than horse face over here.

he knows marco doesn't care, one way or another about all that since he told jean that he's liked him since junior high? but still. what if he does? what if he decides that jean just isn't worth it and all that he does deserve someone who isn't afraid of doing something with him in public without being scrutinized for it.

jean lets out another sigh as he rolls over on marco's bed and buries his head into marco's pillow. maybe if he stays here long enough he can suffocate himself??? he inhales and loses himself for a couple of moments in marco's scent, and then sits up.]

I'm sorry Marco; I think we should break up.

Comments

[halfwaythere]

[ marco had just been reading a book, sitting on the floor, while jean continued with his existential homo crisis. it had been nice, just spending time together like this. yeah, he would have liked to go out, hold jean's hand while they watched a movie... or feed each other fries at the mall food court, but that doesn't mean that this wasn't as good.

he loves jean, he's sure of it. and anything they do together is more than enough for him.

which is why he all but drops his book when jean says that outloud. ]

--What was that, Jean?

[renewedwill]

[wait what indeed? OH HOLY FUCK HE SAID THAT OUT LOUD?!?!] I... I uh. I'm sorry, I can't give you what you want. People who have been dating for months usually do...way more stuff than we have. And it's-- [he pauses in the middle of his emotional word vomit] It's not like I haven't enjoyed everything we've done so far? But I know you Marco, and I know that this... isn't ideal. And it's not far to you to make you wait for me to get my shit in order?

[halfwaythere]

[ ...

reaches up

and puts his hands on jean's face

and pulls his cheeks ]

[renewedwill]

[he winces] O- Ow ow ow ow!! Mar- Marco stooop! I'm-- [being serious here???]

[halfwaythere]

Jean, I love you.

[ that's. probably the first time he's ever said that outloud ]

I want to be able to walk outside and hold your hand. I want to do everything that any other couple does when they're together. But being with you is more important than anything else. I can wait.

You're worth waiting for.

[renewedwill]

Y- You.... you..... M- Marco you l- l- l- love me?? [that's all he's taking out of this.]

[halfwaythere]

I... [ god he said it ]

Yeah, Jean, I love you.

[renewedwill]

[he reaches up to hold one of marco's hands and just kinda... blubbers.] Y- You-- I can't break up with you now that you said that you love me!!

[halfwaythere]

You shouldn't break up with me for a stupid reason to begin with.

[ pulls on the cheek with the hand that isn't being covered by jean's hand ]

[renewedwill]

It... wasn't that much of a stupid reason.... [he looks down with a frown.] I just... I care a lot about you and I know I said this, but I know this isn't really ideal??

[halfwaythere]

It was a stupid reason and you know it.

[ marco sighs and motions for jean to make room on his bed

[renewedwill]

[he frowns, but scoots over]

[halfwaythere]

You're right, I want to hold your hand when we walk outside. I want to kiss you in front of our friends. I want you to feed me fries at the food court.

But none of that matters compared to you. I can wait, so long as we're together, I can wait.

[renewedwill]

[he frowns and clutches his pant leg with his hand. he opens his mouth to mumble out another slew of apologies, but stops himself.] Are you... sure? I feel like I seem to be more trouble than it's worth. And I don't want to see you suffer because I'm not comfortable with... coming out yet?

[halfwaythere]

The only way I'd suffer is if you didn't like being with me.

[renewedwill]

O- Oh? Are you sure?? [jean??? wth]

[halfwaythere]

Do you still like dating me?

[renewedwill]

Well yeah! I... I really really really like dating you. I just... feel bad--

[halfwaythere]

Stop feeling bad.

[renewedwill]

But I-- I l- like you a lot Marco. I want to be able to give you the things you want too?

[halfwaythere]

Being with you is all I ever wanted.

[renewedwill]

[he blubbers] Wh- what did I do to be able to have you in my life, Marco?

[halfwaythere]

Is this where I say something cheesy?

[renewedwill]

[he looks at the other, knowing he's gonna regret it. but nods anyways]

[halfwaythere]

You were born.

That's what you did to have me in your life.