If a moment is all we are

[renewedwill]

[a couple of months had passed by since that eventful pocky day happened. and, well. jean would like to say that a lot has happened? but in all actuality, it's nothing monumental. how he feels about it, at least. he still hasn't told his mom (though, if we're being completely honest a small part of him feels like she already knows what's up by now.) he hasn't told any of his friends, and he still feels kind of awkward and weird every time the bodt's pass by their son's door when he's over.

despite all this though? none of this has changed how he feels about marco. in fact it's kind of strengthened the feelings he has for the other? and, now that we're being honest here, he was actually able to realize that he has been harboring feelings for marco for a long time. he's not sure how long, but they've been there since probably around high school.

which-- is what makes all of this frustrating. he had been hoping he would be able to progress a lot faster so that he could do things with the other. as much as marco likes to let on that he can read jean like a book, he... can do the exact same with marco. and despite how many times marco insists that he's not bothered by being unable to show public displays of affection, and things of the like? he can see that it does bother the other to some extent.

it's not like jean is uncomfortable with the idea of telling people that, "hey, i like my best friend from childhood a lot and i like kissing him" and all that shit?? because he's not ashamed of doing that. he's just.... afraid of the attention it will garner, and he doesn't want to deal with that just yet. he's.... well, he's kind of made a reputation of being one of those heterosexual guys at school, and he knows the moment he comes out as bisexual, people will continuously rib on him. and more than likely tell marco that he deserves way better than horse face over here.

he knows marco doesn't care, one way or another about all that since he told jean that he's liked him since junior high? but still. what if he does? what if he decides that jean just isn't worth it and all that he does deserve someone who isn't afraid of doing something with him in public without being scrutinized for it.

jean lets out another sigh as he rolls over on marco's bed and buries his head into marco's pillow. maybe if he stays here long enough he can suffocate himself??? he inhales and loses himself for a couple of moments in marco's scent, and then sits up.]

I'm sorry Marco; I think we should break up.

Comments

[renewedwill]

[nah. and with that he stirs once again, and wakes up in a bit of a panic, because marco is suddenly not. there. and that's concerning, because it feels like he's left him too. and that's all anyone is ever going to do to him. just leave him. and--o h

oh wait. he's just standing in the doorway. i guess that's okay. he lets out a sigh and relaxes his shoulders.]

[halfwaythere]

[ sees that he's awake-- ] Think you can eat?

[renewedwill]

[he's about to shake his head, but then his stomach rumbles at that exact same moment. welp]

[halfwaythere]

Well, we got some oatmeal waiting for you.

[renewedwill]

Is it... cinnamon raisin?

[halfwaythere]

And insult you otherwise?

[renewedwill]

There is a god. [he moves to sit up] Uh... where... should I go?

[halfwaythere]

Want to join us in the kitchen?

[renewedwill]

....Us?

[halfwaythere]

Me and my mom?

[renewedwill]

Oh... I... yeah, I-- um. Sorry. I thought... [he shuts his mouth and shakes his head.] it's stupid, sorry.

[halfwaythere]

No, what is it, Jean?

[renewedwill]

[he frowns and shakes his head] I don't want to say it, because I know if I do voice it, it'll make me sad.

[halfwaythere]

--Ok, Jean.

So... oatmeal?

[renewedwill]

[he nods.

also one day. (read: maybe later) he'll tell you what he thought was going on]

[halfwaythere]

[ yes

for now

oatmeal ]

[renewedwill]

[yes.] ... thanks.

[halfwaythere]

Anytime.

[ reaching to take his hand and walk him into the kitchen ]

[renewedwill]

[he gets up and takes his hand and follows marco into the kitchen. he mumbles out a very awkward apology to marco's mom, because she at least deserves that much for barging in here so late at night, and for making her precious angel baby skip school.]

[halfwaythere]

[ she waves him off, simply smiling and passing him a bowl of cinnamon raisin oatmeal ]

[renewedwill]

[what a good mom.... he sniffles into his oatmeal, but fuck if he's gonna cry in front of marco's mom. so don't mind as he makes faces at his oatmeal in an attempt to not bawl, again.]

[halfwaythere]

[ marco silently reaches out and holds jean's free hand ]

[renewedwill]

[takes marco's hand into his own and squeezes it]

[halfwaythere]

[ holds his hand all through breakfast ]

[renewedwill]

[holds his hand like a sad gay]